Responding to avoidant behaviour - what if they just say "no"?

When does avoidant behaviour start to have a harmful impact?

Avoidant behaviour can be a natural response to a situation or emotion. I can recognise some of these tendencies in myself: I put off tasks I dislike, such as cleaning the toilet, and I may feel anxious when life’s demands build up, my to-do list grows, and I am unsure where to begin. The difference is that I can usually move past that inertia and manage those avoidant impulses.

That, however, is very different from the demand-avoidant behaviours that are becoming increasingly common in classrooms.

Demand-avoidant behaviour is seen when a child or young person refuses to engage in an adult led or suggested activity, even one they would usually enjoy. In these situations, “when and then” scripts—for example, “when you do this, then you can do that”—often have little effect. When the effort a young person puts into avoiding a task is greater than the effort needed to complete it, and they appear clearly distressed, teachers and support staff face a significant challenge. How should adults respond, and how can they help the young person engage in learning and benefit fully from school?

In The Declarative Handbook, Linda Murphy offers a clear and accessible introduction to Declarative Language. Unlike imperative instructions, declarative language draws attention to objects and situations without making a direct demand. For example, instead of saying, “Pick up your coat,” an adult might simply observe, “Your coat is on the floor,” which invites the young person to act.

Used alongside other strategies, such as non-direct language—where an adult speaks “across” the young person rather than directly to them, either rhetorically or to a colleague—this approach can offer processing time, a cue or reminder, and a visual reference point to support decision-making.

The initial declarative observation, “Your coat is on the floor,” might be followed by an “I wonder” statement such as, “I wonder if it might get walked on,” or “I hope it doesn’t get walked on.” If the young person still does not pick it up, and it is important that the coat is moved, the adult might then say, “Let me pick it up for you so it doesn’t get dirty.” As Linda Murphy emphasises, adults should prioritise connection over compliance.

If you would like to explore responses to avoidant behaviour further, please get in touch to discuss staff workshops on using Declarative Language.